These pretty blossoms are a thing of the past! In no time all the petals fell on to the ground and covered it in a beautiful pinkish carpet. Unfortunately, the rains we have been having turned their vibrant colors to a slimy brown and thus not really worth another look. The tree is now going full speed ahead to sprout the greenest leaves, from tiny timid flecks, they are rapidly increasing their size…one day soon they will provide ample shade for the park visitors…that is if the sun decides to come out and “play” again(it has been so damp and rainy, that I was thinking of putting the heating back on)!
It has been a fast week, too many things to take care of, an interview for an internship as a Dialogue Marketing Agent, which I got almost on the spot, without many questions- the moment of glee, when I found out that my friend would be joining me in the same company; an English test, on which I got a 100%(not many surprises there); then a night time visit to the airport to collect one of my sons, who had been away- consequently only 4 1/2 hours of sleep; then a meeting and a tour at the company where we will be “working” for 7 weeks starting in mid June and a great sense of let down, when we realized that this may not be the right place for us after all, good thing is that we have not signed our internship work contracts…a great deal of clarifications are necessary to even get to that step.
A lot of back and forth communication between the progenitor of my children and me, neither productive nor beneficial. A person unwilling to step up to the plate and do what is right and who on top has altered the factual/actual events (which led to the end of our 26 years together )to better soothe his guilt or life, is not part of my idea of a productive contributor: not as a role model for his own sons nor as someone to turn to for advice. Someone who can not be bothered to think about the consequences that his actions will have on the choices that said sons will make in their futures. No one can deny the co -relation and the influence we have, like of how we live and lead our lives. In all practical terms, we as parents do need to keep that in mind. We help shape their decisions and behavior and therefore are somewhat required to “think” about what exactly we are passing on to them.
No one is perfect and I myself am not free of faults, but I have not fallen victim to petty messages of hatred, nor have I instigated any legal steps, not even then when my life was threatened…and most of all I have not altered the facts. All those involved know full well what happened and I do not see the need to agree to a phantasy, I can not fool myself and I know full well, that my children, as witnesses to the sordid truth, would not expect nor accept me to do so. I can not run from myself(maybe if I had a split personality), just how I would look them in the eyes, is enough motivation for me to be steadfast and to keep going. Yes, I am not a male role model, but teaching our sons to be responsible decent human beings then – is a double “burden” which I am willing to take on as a challenge. Someone HAS to insist that right is right and not enforced by MIGHT and wrong is simply wrong…morally, ethically and consciously.
Almost 8 months after I have left my home of 34 years, I am not putting myself first, nor am I projecting myself as neither hero nor victim. I am trying to deal with the consequences of the past without the necessity to constantly “pat” myself on the shoulder and congratulate myself for what I am doing. Nor am I surrounding myself with people who for their own agendas tell me what I want to hear. I do not seek the company of people whose moral and professional ethics are blemished and tainted, because I am fully aware of just how this will reflect on my children. For them I am willing to do everything, along the realms of what is just and right, as a living example: Practice what you preach….words without the proper actions are totally meaningless.