Hard to believe that six months have passed already since my whole life situation changed.
As creatures of comfort, we resist even the suggestion of change, not just actual change. And when I say “we” I mean most grown ups, youngsters all have their own agendas and reasons to not just dream about and wish for change, but actually strive for it. That is cool, I see it in my kids, who want to decide upon their own kind of change and are sometimes angry and frustrated about how little they have achieved in that direction.
But that is a whole different story.
Last year at this time, I was not open to the word change, it was an overwhelming gloom looming over my head but also a slap in the face. It was not a request or passing fancy. It was not a decision I was contemplating or something that came to me suddenly. It was demanded of me as a solution, as an order or simply put an outrageous imposition.
I was in a terrible fix for a long time, just trying to come to grips with what exactly this change would entail for me. But the situation out of which this change was born, was also one which I had never expected, not even considered in my wildest dreams as a possible scenario my life – even under the weirdest of circumstances – could ever take. Nothing in all my reading years, or movie watching worldliness, had brought me up front and personal with a feasibility of these proportions.
I was to leave behind a life of 27 years, the life surroundings of said life, the home, the friends, the city and the country…and change to new country, new city, with three kids, no prospects, no real grasp of anything, no job, no money, no friends, no idea where we would live or how to manage. So maybe you can see why I resisted this idea as long as I could( I should mention that I am 50).
Vague possibilities started to take form, when the city was chosen and some governmental programs were discovered, but I could not befriend this notion of leaving my whole life behind and start a new one somewhere else, just like that, without waiting for better options or prospects, less frightening or challenging.
Alternatives however never materialized, a day came when the chips fell where they wanted, and rien ne va plus was announced and that was that.
Six months is a therapeutic mile stone. Though this is not AA, nor a couch or a group meeting where you are forced to take a look or take the time to gather all your wits and figure out what, why, how and so on. It is nevertheless a moment to sum up the general points. I was never one who felt defined by money, so I am not surprised that finding out that not having much means the same as ‘ having it all”. That difficult situations can bring out the best in some people. That you can rise to the occasions that life places in front of you, no matter how insurmountable they seem at first. That you have the choice every day to decide how you go about your day, positive or negative…I choose to see the good and that makes things easier. That we place too much importance in material things but that I do not miss a single acquisition from my past. That you can live much better without fear. That you can appreciate peace and quiet and its realization can contribute to a sense of happiness. That I am much stronger than I thought. That I did not cave in or let it all take me down. That I managed everything on my own without any problems. That I am able to make decisions concerning my life and future alone, and that I am able to provide or at least try to provide some guidance to my boys, like or no like, by simply being there all the time.
Yes, and I do miss my old friends from my old life, BUT they will always be here with me. That I have found new ones and all that is life. We should not rule out change. Change is not the door that closes forever…but the new door that opens.