Aside

For the past 9 …

For the past 9 and a half months, I have not been living a life of my own choices.  Most everything that has come my way, has been completely beyond my control.

Funny, I should use that word, because I was selected prize winning recipient of someone who had lost all control.  Here is my first question, do you really, really ever know someone??? I mean, is there enough wild imagination in you to assume what your “other half” is capable of after a quarter of a century of being together??? For no apparent reason? Other than having lost total control?
But the thing is this….I was confronted with an image of who I am supposed to be a complete persona, so unlike me- the real me, as seen by all others, including myself that it became a battle with a ghost woman.  How can you exonerate yourself to that person, who denies the very existence of your actual self?  How do you deal with the fact, that you come home from picking up your son from school and find that the lock has been changed?  How can you imagine that you one day have to explain to your older sons that you are not having an affair with someone in Seattle, Washington while living in southern Europe! No matter how ridiculous even the accusation sounds in practical terms.
 All logic went out the window.  
I don’t claim to know much, but wouldn’t you gather some proof first?  Wouldn’t you make sure that you do not lose face, if you can’t supply the evidence necessary? Wouldn’t you want to leave some escape route whilst on  a trip into dangeros territory?  But these are just questions you ask while you have your brain working “normal”.  So, how do you deal with being scared out of your mind, to supply the hired computer geek with your passwords to email, fb and all??  How does a 19 year old deal with his father’s threat to kill his mother, if she is not forthcoming with the codes?   How does it feel to be told by your 20 year old son, that your cellphone has been cut off? How did he feel crying in front of his paternal grandparents begging them to make his dad stop??
Well, stop he did when the geek found no proof and no name he could put on the already prepared eviction note he wasplanning to send….did I mention the computer got “stolen” that night?  Strangest circumstances, so that there will always be the “doubts” about having deleted whatever I was supposed to be hiding….but the out of control behavior did not stop….it just changed course….again.
Maybe I won the battle against the ghost woman in the end…but it all came too late to make any difference, the price I had to pay was mighty steep…I am leaving a country I have lived in for 34 years with my three kids. More or less destitute, to start from scratch at 50 BUT hoping that my boys’ future will be better. The realization that my married into family does not see my kids as part of “their family”, worthy of psychological, moral or financial support, just leaves me with the realization that you can never really, really know somebody….who would have thought that one person losing control would result in this?

4 thoughts on “For the past 9 …

  1. I will not pretend I can fully comprehend what you are going through…I am still shocked and sad that you have experienced such terrible pain and loss. Loss of a partner, loss of a life, loss of a country. I will miss you, I wish you all the best of luck. Have faith in new beginnings!! love, xxx, T

    • I know that you and I had already talked about this over the phone but… reading it – stuns and amazes me all over again. The man needed a good old fashioned ass whooping a long time ago. I don’t think he will ever fully comprehend the destruction, devastation and total betrayal he has caused.not just to you but his beloved children. Sad… utterly and ridiculously sad. I love you and miss you and sooo wish I could be there in person to give you comfort and strength. Hey – I know what you’re made of though. We are a strong bunch and we bounce back. Always know that I love you and believe in you. Hugs and kisses from your sister – who misses you madly!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s